Before continuing: If youʼve just emerged from hibernating in a cave the past century, or recently touched down on Earth from outer space, youʼre likely unaware of the iconic television series, Dragnet. In order to address this serious pop culture deprivation, please visit YouTube and listen a moment to Jack Webb, and perhaps one of twentieth century televisionʼs most enduring musical signatures.
And now...
MUSIC: Dragnet Theme
Just The Facts: A Storytellerʼs Guide to Narrating Nonfiction
MUSIC: Dragnet Theme
FADE IN: A NONFICTION BOOK COVER—a memoir, how to, biography, autobiography. You name it.
Featuring:
The Announcer: Announcer
The Director: Joe
The Asst. Director: Bill
The Nonfiction Narrator: McGuffin
The Engineer: Tony
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentleman, the story youʼre about to read is true! It is, after all, nonfiction. The names have been changed to protect the modulators.
INT. RECORDING STUDIO CONTROL ROOM. TONY is sitting at the console in front of the Iso booth.
DIRECTOR JOEʼS VOICE-OVER
This is the studio. New York, New York. I work here. Iʼm an audiobook director. Narrators record books here. Sometimes I hold auditions. Like this one, for my upcoming job. Itʼs nonfiction. Here comes the next narrator.
A NARRATOR strolls into the control room, smiling, iPad in hand. He enters the booth. He sits.
DIRECTOR JOEʼS VOICE-OVER
Name’s McGuffin. He’s like a lot of hot-shot, nonfiction narrators Bill and I run in to. They come in: eager, prepped. They think, I got this gig. Itʼs in the bag.
Tony nods and we can read MCGUFFINʼS lips: Chapter One. We silently observe him auditioning.
DIRECTOR JOEʼS VOICE-OVER
And why not! They figure, whatʼs there to narrating nonfiction. Read the book in advance. Look up a few pronunciations. The rest? A snap. Piece of cake! McGuffin here is one of those narrators! Or was...
CLOSE ON MCGUFFINʼS FACE. He abruptly stops reading. He looks up from the mike. Heʼs scared. Plenty scared. Sweat rains from his face as if each pore was a hydrant.
INT. CONTROL ROOM. McGuffin is seated in a black, swivel chair. JOE, and his partner, BILL, are both standing in front of McGuffin, so really, he never has to swivel. Tony is calm and collected; heʼs seen it all before.
(Oh, and no more stage directions. You get where this is headed).
JOE
Read McGuffin his rights, Bill.
BILL
Youʼre a narrator, so you donʼt have the right to remain silent. Anything you inorganically say can and will be used against you. You donʼt have the right to an attorney. It wonʼt help. But you do have the right to an acting teacher.
And based on your audition, maybe you better get one.
MCGUFFIN
Hey, whatʼs this all about?
JOE
Weʼll ask the questions.
BILL
Careful, Joe. I think heʼs carrying.
MCGUFFIN
Hey, I ainʼt armed.
JOE
Doesnʼt mean youʼre not dangerous.
BILL
Did you carry that melodious voice of yours in the booth with you?
MCGUFFIN
Yeah, but the voice is my secret weapon.
BILL
Told yaʼ he was carryin.ʼ
JOE
The way you modulated your voice, son.
MCGUFFIN
Yeah?
JOE
Shoulda kept it a secret.
MCGUFFIN
Whatʼs that supposed to—
BILL
Before you walk in that booth, deposit the voice outside the door.
JOE
Thatʼs the law at this studio.
MCGUFFIN
But Iʼm a voice actor!
JOE
Easy. You can keep your voice.
BILL
We just donʼt want you to hurt listeners with it.
JOE
So, McGuffin, youʼre a narrator.
MCGUFFIN
Voiced thirty books.
BILL
Voiced?
JOE
You mean acted, performed, right?
MCGUFFIN
Performed! Acted! Whatever!
BILL
Heʼs incorrigible, Joe.
JOE
Tell me what that means, later. McGuffin, we assume youʼve narrated nonfiction books before.
MCGUFFIN
My specialty.
BILL
How so?
My voice has the perfect combo fellas—bass and charm. Bellissimo, eh!
MCGUFFIN
JOE
Watch the salty language, son!
BILL
Letʼs get started. Did you just read the nonfiction bookʼs first two sentences?
MCGUFFIN
Iʼd have read three, but you guys interrupted me!
BILL
Heʼs recalcitrant, Joe.
JOE
No salty language, Bill. Remember, weʼre role models.
MCGUFFIN
Whyʼd you stop me?
JOE
Iʼm a director. I stop narrators.
MCGUFFIN
Maybe you shouldnʼt.
JOE
Youʼre not the first actor to tell me that. Now, back to your specialty.
BILL
Son, what do you mean, specialty?
MCGUFFIN
Like I was tryinʼ to say, Iʼm authoritative, resonant, pleasing, smooooth!
JOE
Techniques your Aunt Mary taught you, huh.
MCGUFFIN
You know my Aunt Mary. Hey, sheʼs innocent—
BILL
If he only knew, Joe.
JOE
Ever occur to you that nonfiction narration is about acting?
MCGUFFIN
Yeah.
BILL
And?
MCGUFFIN
I let it go. Itʼs nonfiction. Whatʼs to act?
JOE
You donʼt mean that.
BILL
I think he does, Joe. Maybe you do need a lawyer, son.
JOE
Okay, McGuffin, we got another narrator cominʼ to audition in ten minutes.
MCGUFFIN
So let me finish.
JOE
Not until you get straight about the facts.
MCGUFFIN
Huh?
BILL
Nonfiction. The facts. How to narrate ʻem.
JOE
Relax.
BILL
Weʼre on your side.
JOE
Now, pretend youʼre a listener.
BILL
You wanna hear ten hours of vocal sing-song?
MCGUFFIN
Never thought of it that way.
BILL
Or you wanna hear a storyteller?
MCGUFFIN
I thought storytelling was fiction.
BILL
It is. Nonfiction, too.
JOE
With a few differences. Big ones.
MCGUFFIN
I donʼt know what youʼre tellinʼ me.
JOE
You will.
MCGUFFIN
I listen to you guys, do I get to finish my audition?
BILL
Depends.
MCGUFFIN
On?
JOE
You.
MCGUFFIN
Huh?
BILL
Your secret weapon.
JOE
The sing-song.
BILL
Itʼs a story killer.
JOE
Give it up.
MCGUFFIN
But itʼs what I do?
JOE
Did.
BILL
Think of the dazed listener, son. The sing-song. Have you no mercy?
MCGUFFIN
Alright, alright!
JOE
Letʼs start at Chapter One.
MCGUFFIN
Howʼs that?
JOE
When you narrate nonfiction, whoʼs saying chapter one?
MCGUFFIN
Me. McGuffin.
BILL
Gonna be a long ten minutes, Joe.
JOE
No. The author. Thatʼs who is telling the nonfiction story. Thatʼs who listeners think theyʼre hearing. So, thatʼs who you are.
MCGUFFIN
But Iʼm a voice...Iʼm an actor.
BILL
Then act like the author.
MCGUFFIN
So, I gotta act like a real person. Hey, somethinʼs fishy here.
JOE
Weʼre givinʼ it to ya straight.
BILL
You gotta sound like an author, who is no actor.
MCGUFFIN
Just how do I pull that off?
JOE
Authors aren't in possession of your snazzy cadence.
BILL
Or the smooth tone.
JOE
They donʼt turn words into wavy music. You dig?
BILL
Listeners wanna hear a real person. No characters, either. No character voices.
MCGUFFIN
But I gotta make the book sound interesting.
BILL
Not your job.
JOE
You gotta make the listeners interested in you!
MCGUFFIN
Me?
BILL
And this amazing story you are dying to tell them.
MCGUFFIN
So, I canʼt make the words interesting.
JOE
Unless youʼre a magician.
BILL
The bookʼs the book. Canʼt juice the words. Not possible, son.
MCGUFFIN
Thatʼs it? I canʼt do characters. Canʼt use my voice to make the book sound interesting. Have to act like the author who canʼt act! Thatʼs boring, fellas.
BILL
Only boring when your amazing voice interferes with your enthusiasm to tell this amazing story.
MCGUFFIN
So, youʼre sayinʼ my m.o. should be, listen to this amazing story?
BILL
Job one.
MCGUFFIN
How do I interest listeners in hearing about five-hundred ways to get a job promotion when I canʼt emphasize nothinʼ? Stumped ya, huh?
BILL
Threw us a slow softball.
JOE
Letʼs get this emphasis idea straight, once and for all.
MCGUFFIN
Itʼs about time!!!
JOE
Youʼre the author telling this story, right.
MCGUFFIN
Enthusiastically.
JOE
Exactly how enthusiastic are you?
MCGUFFIN
Over the moon. This book is my baby.
BILL
What do you want listeners to understand about your baby?
MCGUFFIN
Everything.
JOE
Just the way you do, right.
BILL
Think a listenerʼs understanding requires a lot of emphasis?
JOE
Think the ideas, concepts, language they gotta understand in order to be as enthusiastic as you, as smart as you, is gonna take a lot of emphasis?
MCGUFFIN
Yeah, ʻcause Iʼm the expert, but theyʼre just gettinʼ started.
JOE
Youʼre the expert, McGuffin, the teacher, the majordomo, and all you wanna do is educate, inform, and convince us listeners to be as excited and informed about this topic as you are.
MCGUFFIN
Then I can emphasize.
JOE
Now youʼre cookinʼ!
BILL
So long as the emphasis helps your listener understand this subject.
MCGUFFIN
BILL
Emphasize till the cows come home.
JOE
But remember, McGuffin.
MCGUFFIN
Caveat, huh.
JOE
This is a family show, son.
BILL
Look, Joe and I here. Our beat is modulation patrol. Twenty-four-seven.
JOE
Sing-song that comes from your swanky voice is a crime.
MCGUFFIN
Yeah, on what grounds?
BILL
Vocal jive.
JOE
Emphasis that comes from a passion for listeners to be as enthusiastic about this story as the author is keeps the narrator on the straight and narrow, son.
MCGUFFIN
Youʼre repeatinʼ yourself.
JOE
Iʼm a director. Occupational hazard.
MCGUFFIN
Yeah, yeah. Do I get to finish my audition?
JOE
We're all yours.
MCGUFFIN
First, I gotta confess somethinʼ.
BILL
Figured you would.
MCGUFFIN
When Iʼm narrating nonfiction, I never really picture my listeners, who Iʼm speakinʼ to. Iʼm just sorta yakkinʼ at the page. So, how do I imagine my listeners, like you guys right now, huh?
JOE
Wide-eyed. Weʼre your students. Eager to learn from you.
BILL
To absorb your brilliance.
JOE
To be wowed.
BILL
And remember, weʼre taking notes.
JOE
So, donʼt rush it.
MCGUFFIN
Meaning?
JOE
Weʼre here to think about what you have to say, so you say it like you want us to think about it.
BILL
Not forget about it.
MCGUFFIN
And that will slow me down?
BILL
Unless you believe we can take notes like Superman.
JOE
And if youʼre talkinʼ a mile a minute, or makinʼ us woozy with the vocal sing-song...
BILL
Weʼre sleepinʼ, not thinkinʼ.
JOE
One last thing. You love havinʼ us listen, donʼt ya?
MCGUFFIN
Sure do.
JOE
When you speak, remember, we wanna feel that love from you.
BILL
We listeners canʼt always concentrate. So you gotta love us, tickle us with your enthusiasm.
JOE
Make us putty in your hands. Now, get in there and audition.
BILL
We forgot the oath, Joe.
MCGUFFIN
Huh?
JOE
Canʼt audition for nonfiction without takinʼ the oath, son.
BILL
Raise your right hand.
MCGUFFIN
Iʼm a southpaw.
BILL
Heʼs got moxie like his Aunt Mary. Okay, raise the left and put the other one on this how-to book.
JOE
When you record nonfiction, do you solemnly swear: to tell the story, the whole story and nothinʼ but the story, as if youʼre the author?
MCGUFFIN
I do.
JOE
To speak as if to a small group, like a classroom?
MCGUFFIN
I do.
JOE
To remember that every word in this book is gold?
MCGUFFIN
Worth a kingʼs ransom.
JOE
That your enthusiasm for the facts—and not your swell voice—will cause you to emphasize words?
MCGUFFIN
What voice? I left it outside the booth.
JOE
To never forget your nonfiction m.o.?
MCGUFFIN
Devotion to the listenerʼs enthusiasm for this amazing story.
BILL
I like his moxie, Joe.
JOE
Okay, itʼs storytime.
BILL
Give us the facts we wanna hear.
JOE
The way we wanna hear ʻem!
Music: Dragnet Theme
In silence, we peek through the booth and observe McGuffin narrating. We also see JOE and BILL. Theyʼre nodding, impressed. Tony is calm and collected; heʼs seen it all before.
DIRECTOR JOEʼS VOICE-OVER
There are hundreds, maybe thousands, of audiobook narrators—in this city, in LA, and in home studios from Pittsburgh to Peking—who know that recording nonfiction is a tough job that demands concentration, stamina and true grit. Sometimes, these narrators all sound like plain vanilla. But sometimes, when they get nonfiction right, get what the listener wants from ʻem, get how to give listeners what they want, and deserve, these narrators distinguish themselves; theyʼre proud of themselves. Damn proud. Iʼm damn proud, too!
the end
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Iʼm eagerly looking forward to working with Seattle narrators in March and during a soon to be posted April 12/13 narratorʼs workshop in New York (for information, contact Michele Cobb: michele@audiofilemagazine.com). And September in LA (tba). Additionally, looking forward to participating on the Cracking The VoiceOver Code panel, Feb. 27th at the Museum of the Moving Image in New York, and on an APAC roundtable with some truly sublime storytellers.
